Thursday, July 1, 2010

boyish hips and pancake boobs

the former is a trait of mine. the latter is a symptom of a different trait.

clothes shopping. ok ok ok. so i haven't done it in months (saving every last penny for the big day and whatnot).

however when i used to partake in such self-indulging activities (like buying fresh socks and the occasional pair of pants) my boyish hips made finding pants a pain. not to be confused with the general pain and lack of flexibility my boyish hips already suffer from.

lordy help me if i have a giant-headed baby. which i'm sure i will because i also have a very large head. 7 5/8 for those of you who know hat sizes. a monster melon atop my slender feminine lovely neck.

that's besides the point.

hips. boyish. narrow.
legs. skinny. long.
most pantolones do one of two things:
1. fit my hips/thighs perfectly and squish my tumzo until my muffin top runneth over. not QUITE the summer trend.
2. fit my waist/tumzo perfectly and sag around my pencil legs... leaving plenty of room if i wanted to go to the local market and smuggle loaves of breads in my pant legs. boo.

enough about that. on to pancake boobs.

i have boobs. biggish? maybe. one thing i know i DO have is a barrel of a rib cage. if you were carnivorous you could feast my rack o' ribs for a month, feeding your family of 5.

so...problemo. all the damn cutesy crap in the stores are made for normal rib-caged ladies. but apparantly these women also have no jubblies.

a recent situation i encountered was a cute lil' summer dress that was given to me on my birfday. size: medium. fantastico! just my size.

over the head it went. and along with it went a number of threads as my barrel o' ribs forced itself into the seams. snap snap snap. alas. i got it on. hooray. well, sort of. this is where the pancake boobs come in.

they were smooshed. battered and squeezed flat..pancaking them to a flatness that, with my boyish hips, would confuse most people as to my gender. mother effer. sorry gifter of said dress. i had to return it (after i tried to exchange for a large only to encounter slightly less flat pancake boobs and one or two less busted threads).

le sigh.

boy hips. pancake boobs. and thus is the plight of montastic.

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