Monday, December 22, 2008

Merry Christmas from ElfYourself

If you haven't elfed yourself yet, you should. It's always hilarious.

I received one from the mamasita:

Made one for the boyboy:

And just finished one with my ladies:

The one with my gals made my laugh my ass off. So I've embedded the video for your pleasure as well.
Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Here's a ticket for the train, pay a visit to my brain, if you wanna know about the weird side

today I'm lovin Eyedea.

this song is a jam. it makes me drive fast.

this song is so slick. loves it.

Montastic lyrics:
"Metal rusts, leaves turn into dust,
as the difference between love and lust clarifies as trust
if you only had an hour to sum your whole life up
would you spend that hour sayin that an hour ain't enough"

"The oasis of a limbo adjacent to my generation, facing out the window
waiting for some ventilation, patient while the wind blows
graceful in its demonstration, overall innovation."

we have a new blogger!

his name? Matt. But his blog handle is Matteo Escobar-obvs! And I shall call him Escobar as we already have a blogging Matteo and would not want to confuse the two. Perhaps sometimes he will be Papi, as is the universally recognized name for a gentleman with class and mad stylez.

his game? tellin it like it is. and it's like...silly.

he also enjoys eating apples and having nice teeth

check out Green Light. a new Tasty Treat.

Friday, December 19, 2008

500th post!

So I was going to make 10 lists of 50, in honor of my 500th post. But do you know how hard lists of 50 are?? Pretty hard. So instead I made a few lists of 50. A few paragraphs of 50 words, and then I quit. That’s right, I GAVE UP.

In other news, this year is almost over. I’m heading home on Monday and will be MIA for 2 entire weeks while I enjoy the fam, my friends, and my boy.

Here are the lists I completed before I quit:

50 people I enjoyed sharing this year with:
marissa, chase, mom, dad, bro, davers, matteo, hugh, perrypants, borq, marcus, anne, big al, zack, melissa, lucas, matt r, highway, woodman, jessie, mikey, jay, drew, shannon, buela, brian h, dawn, ronnie, nicool, willy, scotty, andra, josh p, tyler, troy, kurt, richie, matt g, matt damk, breen, steve, greg c, marilyn, curt, gee, geoff, jessie, joe, mr marshall, shorty

50 words about how I’ve changed:
I lost a few pounds. I can snowboard black diamonds. I cut my hair. I dyed it dark. I’m no longer single. I’ve had an unhealthy relationship. I’ve been on a rafting trip. I own a cowboy hat. I broke a heart. I have more debt. I have more wealth.

50 words about my chase:
Chaseypoo keeps me company at work, keeps me happy when I’m sad, entertained when I’m bored, and makes me giggle with her silly laugh. She’s got a big ol’ booty that I’m jealous of, and lives in Portland. She also likes Starbucks’ perfect oatmeal and Salty Caramels, and loves me.

50 words about my man:
We met 5 years ago making hamburgers. I made a better burger. He thinks he did. He lives in Ptown near Chase, always smells so good, makes me a mean cup of coffee in the morning, and makes me happier than I’ve ever been. Also, we battle at Family Feud.

50 things that make happy:
hugs, cuddling, giggles, coffee, cheese, pepperoni, warm blankets, slippers, my friends, Matt, emails, good blogs, great arms, sweat pants, snow, rain, wind, hot sauce, breakfast for dinner, breakfast for breakfast, real bread, running, soccer, bacon, dogs that sneeze, crude humor, dark chocolate, gchat, friends visiting me, visiting friends, road trips, beer on a hot day, movies on a cold day, sterling silver, chicken wings, babies, my family, writing letters, poetry, my ptown crew, happy hour, funny accents, pictures, animals who look like my friends, flirting, cologne, random acts of nudity, cooking, holding hands, sex

50 words about cheese:
Pepperjack is nearly unmatched in awesomeness. Processed cheese is absolutely delicious. I could eat a whole baby loaf in half a day. I’m addicted to extra cheese on my pepperoni pizza. Cottage cheese, feta, cheddar, melted, gooey, good! I love everything about cheese, except when it’s swiss. Buy me cheese.

Please note that while I did, in fact, quit while writing my lists, this entire post totals exactly 500 words. In yo face.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

499th post

My horrrrrrrrn can pierce the skyyyyyyy!
I want this for Christmas. If you aren't familiar with the origins of Princess Unicorn, we probably aren't very good friends.

My next post will make 500. Wowzers.

Monday, December 15, 2008

498th post

artist rendering of horrible midget accident:

497th post

"A circus dwarf...died recently when he bounced sideways...and was swallowed by a yawning hippo..."

Hahaha. I shouldn't laugh. but this is too much.

I would expect to see this is some stupid Adam Sandler movie. Not real life. This is priceless.

496th post

it's mofuggin fuh-reeezin in Dtown today!

ok well it started sunday morning. snow took out our power. ah well. but then the snow stopped. the power came back on. i made my coffee. all was well.

the the arctic hell came through. last night, my dear friends, it reached -15 degrees. on the way to work this morning, it had warmed up to a toasty -9 degrees.

this was me in my hoopty, on the ride to work:

while i look constipated, i assure you that i was just frigid with record-breaking temps.

here are the top 5 essentials to keep with you or near you in weather like this:

5. a double-threat scarf (brings out your eyes AND keeps your neck warm)
4. a woolen peacoat (WITH hood!). trust me, these keep you warmer than any jacket ever will.
3. blistex medicated balm, obvs! your non-cracked and non-bleeding lips will thank you.

2. A string of curse words that flow together with good rhythm. That way, when everything you touch freezes your skin off, when every breath burns your lungs with icy cold air, when your car barely rattles to a start, and when the city feels as though Mr Freeze has taken can be sure to yell said string of curse words.
1. someone to hug! this will in no way help you survive the harsh elements. but let's face it, hugs are nice.

This public service announcement brought to you by Montastic.

Friday, December 12, 2008

495th post

The holiday potluck.

If you bring dessert to your office holiday potluck, expect 3 things.

1. Most people will buy pre-made cookies at the store. (Make yours from scratch and everyone will ooh and aah)

2. During the main course everyone will chat about how they need to save room for the delicious treat you brought.

3. No one will have room for it and, subsequently, they will not eat it.


I made what I named Pumpkin Awesomeness. Or just Awesomeness for short. A delicious recipe from the land of Tennessee. No one ate it for they were far too full of other delicious grubbin. As will very well be the case if you bring a dessert to the holiday potluck.

The solution?

Well, here is where your copywriting ability and dashing wit come into play.

Place the dessert out in the lunch room in the morning and advertise its uses AND benefits to the hungry morning employee.

The result?

Today's lesson: Advertise the shit out of your Awesomeness.

This public service announcement brought to you by Montastic.

Poop logs roasting on an open fire

Oh yes. The holidays done be hurrrr. So too are the many wonderful and wacky traditions from around the world. What weirdly wondrous tradition has me giggling today???

Montastic presents:

Caga Tió (the "Pooping Log") YES!

From the ever-trustworthy wikipedia:
"On Christmas day or, depending on the particular household, on Christmas Eve, one puts the tió partly into the fireplace and orders it to "poop" (the fire part of this tradition is no longer as widespread as it once was, since many modern homes do not have a fireplace). To make him "poop", one beats him with sticks, while singing various songs of Tió de Nadal.

The tió does not drop larger objects, as those are brought by the Three Wise Men. It does leave candies, nuts and torrons. Depending on the part of Catalonia, it may also give out dried figs. When nothing is left to "poop", it drops a salt herring, a head of garlic, an onion or "urinates". What comes out of the tió is a communal rather than individual gift, shared by everyone present."

So, if you want to be part of this tradition, which is likened to the American tradition of the Christmas tree, please make your own pooping log and sing the following song of caga tió:

"caga tió,
caga torró,
avellanes i mató,
si no cagues bé
et daré un cop de bastó.
caga tió!"

Or in English:

"poop log,
poop turrón,
hazelnuts and cottage cheese,
if you don't poop well,
I'll hit you with a stick,
poop log!"

Oh dear. It is to laugh!
Just a friendly reminder that holiday joy is spreading! And that Montastic is tickled by the word poop.

Friday Fun-Day Song Send-Off

Only 7 more posts until my 500th! What will it be?

Until then, my 5(ish) loyal readers, here is your Friday Fun-Day Song get you in the right mood for a Montastically delicious weekend!

Also, I did an arm workout last night (against my better judgment) and my poor widdle chicken wings are sore.

Also, 10 days until I'm going going back back to Cali Cali.

Also, happy 2 months to the man.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Man Vs Beast. The best show you aren't watching.

So, one of the many highlights of my weekend of love was the discovery of the show Man Vs. Beast.

Basically, men are in direct competition with some sort of beast. Like a sumo wrestler having a tug of war with an orangutan, or hot dog eating versus a grizzly bear.

Well, the episode I caught was a 4-man relay versus a camel. Of course, Team Man was made up of little people. Classic!

The final leg of the relay team was SO good. Check out the excitement for yourself.
This show is almost worth getting TV for.

a wednesday wad of things

First, I rather enjoy just how small this picture makes me feel.

Second, today is "Call in Gay Day." Meaning that if you are gay or support gay people, they are asking you to call in to work today and not come in. Just to show the sheer size of the gay community, and the financial impact it would have if people discriminate against them. I'm not quite sure I believe this is the best method. I fully support the gay and lesbian community. However, I do believe that if you don't want to be discriminated against you shouldn't claim a special day to not come to work. Don't be a slack ass and not come to work just because of your sexuality. If I were your boss, and your work was needed that day, I would fire you. Read for more info.

Third, Chase's big ol' booty is back and better than ever--in the form of her resurrected blog. So I present to you the newly named blog: The Chase is On.

Fourth, today I am wearing a new hat.

Fifth, you are my cuppy cake. OBVS!

Sixth, speaking of Cake -one of my fav bands- I sure do enjoy this song.

Last, this is my 491st post. Only 9 more until my 500th. Hmm... I should make it good. Any ideas??

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

order your wonder boner now

two things:
1. This is a legitimate product.
2. This is why I want to be in advertising.

I do love Target, but come on!

This is a family store. Sheesh.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

you know what's more important than a blog?


and for that very important reason, you will not be hearing from Montastic until next Tuesday.

ok ok might get a post from work tomorrow morning. before i board a plane for a weekend of lovin* from:

chaseypoo and borq



my man lover

*Montastic recommends this to each and everyone of you.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

acqua alta!

Have you heard? Venice is flooding! It's the worst is 20 years and it's due to high water (acqua alta, as it were). The canal is 5 feet above normal because of the weather and silt deposits building up in the bottom of the lagoon. AND 95% of the city is flooded.

Here's the articolo for more informazione.

"She's a real humdinger and I like 'em like that."

Ok, this is the last song post. But this is your belated Monday Funday Song Start-Off. And, I may or may not be wearing a blue dress...and looking quite devilish at that.

Today is a great day.
We had a HUGE win last night at soccer. Beating the #1 team 9-1. Unfortunately because they have beat us twice before, we still end up second place in the league for the season. But who cares! Montastic had two beautiful assists and 2 rad goals last night. And well...she's a devil with a blue dress on.

Better watch out.

Monday, December 1, 2008

"This city is for strangers, like the sky is for the stars."

I guess I'm feelin musical tonight! I found this one a while back. Also a good song. Very good lyrics.
Kind of sad, however.

"Open up your plans and damn you're free."

Nope. I just can't get enough of this jam.

The lyrics are also lovely.

Montastic vs small towns

destroy the wetlands!

So, after a nice relaxing weekend in McMinnville, TN...I arrived home Saturday night to relax and unwind.

After a delicious rich, sweet cup of cocoa. I decided it was time to cozy up with some big ugly oversized man-sweats. So I went to my closet. As I started to walk in, SMOOSH! My socks instantly soaked up with water. The Wetlands.

Naturally I went in to OHSB Mode. (Oh Holy Shit Balls Mode)

My closet is where I keep ALL my stuff as it is my only storage. So, whilst in OHSB Mode, I frantically ran around moving tons and tons of shit out of my closet...wearing only a shirt and my underwear (I was in mid-changing mode).

There were a few casualties of the Wetlands. The worst, unfortunately, was my portfolio. My first portfolio out of college. Destroyed. Sadface.

So, I spent my ENTIRE Sunday soaking up water with towels. Then drying them, while soaking up more water with a different set of towels. Then drying them. A sick cycle.

My closet smells like turd. The maintenance people should come today. The culprit? My washing machine. The damage? Not too bad I hope (though the baseboard in my closet (which shares a wall with the laundry room) is coming off in my closet) So, likely there is internal water damage in the wall.

Please send me and my Wetlands-closet positive thoughts, prayers, aromatherapy, helper fairies, etc.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

wednesday morning epiphany

i was just thinking about how they say "the darker the berry the sweeter the juice."

the conclusion: it's a scientific fact.

just call me Shadow.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

being blonde was fun and all

but it was time.
Time to go back to my roots, and then some. Time to go back dark. Dark like my devious thoughts and sultry demeanor. Dark like cold winters nights, which I love so much.
Dark like awesomeness.

Montastic is back. And she's bringing the awesome to the Christmas potluck.

happy thanksgiving to all!

a thanksgiving picture of me and my ladies from last year:

i. am. inspired.

This is some FANTASTIC advertising. I found it on neatorama. Check out this shit:

Swimming over the NY cityscape. How eerie.
From neatoroma:
"No, New York is not underwater (yet, anyhow) - that’s a clever ad for HSBC by Ogilvy & Mather Mumbai ad agency in India. The bank wanted to raise awareness of the dangers of global warming, so the clever ad guys glued an aerial photo of a city’s skyscrapers to the base of a swimming pool … the effect of a submerged cityscape"

This blows my mind. Something about actually picturing the city underwater unnerves me. and kind of depresses me. Yikes. Effective advertising for me. In terms of understanding that global warming is very real. On the other hand, I still plan to drive my car to work every morning even though I live a mile a way. After all, it's cold out thurrrr.

Monday, November 24, 2008

this is true.

i will be.

me and chase on vacation

being awesome DOES take practice

Trust me. I know. I'm definitely awesome. But...I didn't need to read a book.

However, for those of you aren't, but who aspire to be awesome, might I suggest the following literature:

Get yours now on Amazon. At prices as low as a penny! (plus shipping)

A summation of the book:
"Be strong to stand up to the constant lies from Satan regarding inferiority, lack of self-acceptance and peer pressure."

A reader review of the book:
"For years, I struggled with meager coolness until I read this book. Now with my new-found knowledge and my "I am awesome" shirt, all the ladies want to get with me. It may look like they're just laughing and pointing, but I know that they truly find me irresistible. Since I've modeled my hair and clothes from the book cover, everyone thinks I'm Zack from Saved by the Bell. It just doesn't get anymore awesome than that. Oh yeah."

Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa. Love it.
I may just have to buy it. For humor's sake. Lord knows I'm already as awesome as could be!

at least philosophers have my back

As you may know, Montastic has a horrible memory. Unfortunately the things best remembered by my amazingly huge brain...are the worst things. Of course I remember the good things and great things, but the details tend to haze faster than the details of painful or hurtful things.

Anyhoooooo....I found this quote today and was POSITIVELY TICKLED BY IT!

"The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time." -Nietzsche

So, here's to many more first times! errr...uh...something like that.

Friday, November 21, 2008

dear skeletor, you must be joking.

So, logging into myspace this eve, I was absolutely disgusted with this ad:

Save the disgust over the awful photoshopping job and terrible perspective that makes this alien's arm look roughly the size of their entire abdomen...this is the most disgraceful diet ad I've seen.
I'm sure the jeans the photoshopped body is wearing are probably already a size 2. What is the point of making it look this ridiculous?
Oh baby, don't you just love how my torso is the same size as your thigh? OMG LOLZ me too! Good thing I did the magic 24-year-old oprah-recommended diet before I turn 25. Because then I would actually look normal. And who wants that sweetie? Not me. Give me spaghetti-body please. And monster arms.
What shit.

That is all.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


It done be cold out today! 25 right now.

I stayed home sick from work yesterday...though I worked from home and was quite busy. Add my dinosaur of a computer to the mix and it makes for a lot of cursing and not much rest. Needless to say I don't feel much better today. And I have no voice.
So, today's plan is: silence from Monstastic's cubicle. Sadface.

As I was sitting here drinking my morning coffee, I got to wondering what A.M. and P.M. stood for with regard to time. I figured M stood for some sort of medium, middle, medio, etc. So, I looked it up.

Today's useless information:

A.M.- From Latin ante meridiem, meaning before noon (12:00).

P.M.- From Latin post meridiem, meaning after noon (12:00).

While I'm no Latin major, I don't believe that meridiem means noon. I can deduce (with my monster-sized brain, and knowledge of Italian) that meridiem may actually mean midday or the middle of the day.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle GI Joe.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Today I left work sick at 3:00pm

And I'll have you know I have yet to take a sick day all year. So I guess I technically only took a sick 2 hours. We shall see how I feel in the morning. However, right now, I'm up trying to drink a Theraflu in the hopes that its bitter lemon-limey medicine-y average-ness will rock me into a deep slumber.

Also I have a number of things on my mind keeping me up.

First of all, The Biggest Loser. Does anyone watch that show? What shit it has turned into this season! All the scheming of the evil blue team of death. I'm sure they're changing their lives as well, but with all the games they're playing (instead of focusing on the inspirational aspect of it) I must say that I wouldn't feel too sorry if Heba the Horrid and Vicky the Fugly gained some weight back after the show. Don't worry, I can say that. I too used to be fat. But at least I was nice. Whores.

Secondly, I find this dichotomy troubling and pertinent to my life: Fearing an insanely happy reunion with someone because you worry you aren't strong enough to say goodbye again. Silly freakin long-distance love affairs. Ugh.

Third, unfair text messaging via Mr East Coast. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, you hairy (at least your upper arms) beast. Ya, that's right. I called you out on my blog. Booya grandma.

Fourth, freakin economy huh? It could be stifling my life plans of moving out of Colorado. We shall see. In other news, everyone, please, buy a Ford, Lincoln or Mercury. I can't tell you much about Lincoln or Mercury, but with the winter coming up, rest assured you can count on the 5-star crash test safety ratings of a number of Ford's safest sedans and SUVs OR enjoy the security and handling of Ford's All-Wheel Drive line-up! You know, if you want to save Ford Motor Company (and potentially my job) from ruin!

Fifth, my throat hurts. What a pain in the throat. HAR HAR HAR. get it?

this makes me quite happy

Monday, November 17, 2008

MacGyver is awesome

i mean, check out the beautiful execution of this punch!

M&M part 2 was superb

A few highlights:

honkytonk time, obvs!

making pumpkin pie (this is how we do it in my family)

and a night on the town

Friday, November 14, 2008

the holidays are a-comin!

This morning, after an awesome first night with lil m in town, I awoke crusty-eyed and tired. I threw up my shutters, so as to serenade the morning with my song. And what to my wondering eyes should appear?
SNOW! Ahhh, snowfall in the city. I love it.

Then on my equally crusty-eyed and tired drive to work, one radio station has already switched to all holiday music. And Let it Snow was on. :)

THEN, lo and behold, walking from my car to my office past the overcrowded and overpriced Starbucks, I noticed the #1 sign the holiday are nearing--the red Starbucks cup.

So if you're keeping track: snow. let it snow. red.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

M&M part 2 is here!

Zero days left!

That's right, lil m is arriving in a few short hours. And we will be tearin up D-town all through the weekend.
Highlights will likely include (but are not limited to):
cowboy hats
pumpkin pie
breakfast at Snooze
more wine

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

updated tasty treats

So...i've updated the tasty treats along the right column over thurrrr. I removed old links of slackers who stopped blogging (AHEM CHASE) and added links to blogs I regularly read, but have been lazy about adding. So check out the old favs that have long since been there.

And now check out:

Zack Attack and his thoughts about life.

John, my brosef, and his photography. Please feel free to comment on his pictures and give him your feedback. He is awesome, naturally, as we are of the same blood. Mah blood brudda.

wonderful wednesday

So, today is a good day (and will be a good day) for a number of reasons.

First, my pulled quad from Monday's soccer game feels mucho better-o (which is mandarin for "still sore but healing.")

Second, I have now survived one month of a long distance relationship. Granted we've been apart a while, but only officially together since we've been apart...if that makes sense. Uhhh...duhhhh. What?! Anyway, This is a huge step for me, if you know me at all. And it has definitely been hard. And I have a lot more to go. I should put it my achievement book. With an exclamation point. (done and done)

Third, my cousin gets here tomorrow night for a lovely weekend o' girly mayhem! We have big plans to eat tacos, make pumpkin pie, go to the Grizzly Rose and get our cowgirl on, revisit the breakfast place that was closed last time, and of course--giggle and pillow fight!

Fourth, I ate a Montastic Pumpkin Pretty with my coffee this morning. And it was almost better than sex. Almost.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

ahhh, the world is changing

Another sexist old ad. Although I guess this one is so much sexist as it is just a testament to the times it was printed. Click for a larger view of the lovely copy: "The things women have to put up with. Most husbands, nowadays, have stopped beating their wives..."

found on copyranter

bobbidy boopity dee

mustaches do, in fact, enable you to speak italian. please view this historic document as evidence:

another silly from lefthandedtoons

Monday, November 10, 2008

stupid penguin baby!

This is actually a cute story. And heartwarming. This picture, edited by yours truly, sums it up. But if you want to, feel free to read the full article here.

who said it?

"Sometimes I think it would be much easier to be a boy and then I remember that they have their genitals hanging from their body and I change my mind."

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Montastic's Pumpkin Pretties!

Oh yes, time to get domestic!
I love pumkin flavored everything. And I absolutely LOVE pumpkin-chocolate-chip cookies AKA Montastic's Pumpkin Pretties.

So, naturally, I've detailed my creation of the pretties below.

Step 1: Put on sweatpants and slippers. Take a downward shot of your body so as to make your rack look as fluffy and delicious as Montastic's Pumpkin Pretties are.

Step 2: Turn on your old tv. Be sad that you only have one channel and it's half staticked out. Be sad the only thing on said channel is Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Be happy the camera caught this moment. Be suddenly aware that your company sponsors said show and then tout EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION IS AWESOME!!! on your blog.

Step 3: Print up the recipe and label it "RECIPE" so as not to confuse it with your roommate's Home Journal.

Step 4: Line up all ingredients for no apparant reason. Give them a thumbs up.

Step 5: Eat some chocolate chips. Obviously.

Step 6: Mix some shit.

Step 7: Add chocolate chips. This is optional for those of you who also kick puppies, punch kitties, and hate the cooing of newborn babies.

Step 8: Ball 'em as big as you want. They don't expand. Bake 'em.

Step 9: They're all done! Tear one up fresh out of the oven, hold it long enough to take a picture. Which, conveniently, is also long enough to burn your thumb badly.

All above steps MUST be taken for the full effect of Montastic's Pumpkin Pretties. If you would like the recipe (I can't imagine why you would, it's SO clear what to do above) feel free to ask me. They are QUITE scrumptious! They have a muffin-like consistency and go well with coffee, a highfive or your favorite Whitesnake album.