Monday, December 22, 2008

Merry Christmas from ElfYourself

If you haven't elfed yourself yet, you should. It's always hilarious.

I received one from the mamasita:

Made one for the boyboy:

And just finished one with my ladies:

The one with my gals made my laugh my ass off. So I've embedded the video for your pleasure as well.
Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Here's a ticket for the train, pay a visit to my brain, if you wanna know about the weird side

today I'm lovin Eyedea.

this song is a jam. it makes me drive fast.

this song is so slick. loves it.

Montastic lyrics:
"Metal rusts, leaves turn into dust,
as the difference between love and lust clarifies as trust
if you only had an hour to sum your whole life up
would you spend that hour sayin that an hour ain't enough"

"The oasis of a limbo adjacent to my generation, facing out the window
waiting for some ventilation, patient while the wind blows
graceful in its demonstration, overall innovation."

we have a new blogger!

his name? Matt. But his blog handle is Matteo Escobar-obvs! And I shall call him Escobar as we already have a blogging Matteo and would not want to confuse the two. Perhaps sometimes he will be Papi, as is the universally recognized name for a gentleman with class and mad stylez.

his game? tellin it like it is. and it's like...silly.

he also enjoys eating apples and having nice teeth

check out Green Light. a new Tasty Treat.

Friday, December 19, 2008

500th post!

So I was going to make 10 lists of 50, in honor of my 500th post. But do you know how hard lists of 50 are?? Pretty hard. So instead I made a few lists of 50. A few paragraphs of 50 words, and then I quit. That’s right, I GAVE UP.

In other news, this year is almost over. I’m heading home on Monday and will be MIA for 2 entire weeks while I enjoy the fam, my friends, and my boy.

Here are the lists I completed before I quit:

50 people I enjoyed sharing this year with:
marissa, chase, mom, dad, bro, davers, matteo, hugh, perrypants, borq, marcus, anne, big al, zack, melissa, lucas, matt r, highway, woodman, jessie, mikey, jay, drew, shannon, buela, brian h, dawn, ronnie, nicool, willy, scotty, andra, josh p, tyler, troy, kurt, richie, matt g, matt damk, breen, steve, greg c, marilyn, curt, gee, geoff, jessie, joe, mr marshall, shorty

50 words about how I’ve changed:
I lost a few pounds. I can snowboard black diamonds. I cut my hair. I dyed it dark. I’m no longer single. I’ve had an unhealthy relationship. I’ve been on a rafting trip. I own a cowboy hat. I broke a heart. I have more debt. I have more wealth.

50 words about my chase:
Chaseypoo keeps me company at work, keeps me happy when I’m sad, entertained when I’m bored, and makes me giggle with her silly laugh. She’s got a big ol’ booty that I’m jealous of, and lives in Portland. She also likes Starbucks’ perfect oatmeal and Salty Caramels, and loves me.

50 words about my man:
We met 5 years ago making hamburgers. I made a better burger. He thinks he did. He lives in Ptown near Chase, always smells so good, makes me a mean cup of coffee in the morning, and makes me happier than I’ve ever been. Also, we battle at Family Feud.

50 things that make happy:
hugs, cuddling, giggles, coffee, cheese, pepperoni, warm blankets, slippers, my friends, Matt, emails, good blogs, great arms, sweat pants, snow, rain, wind, hot sauce, breakfast for dinner, breakfast for breakfast, real bread, running, soccer, bacon, dogs that sneeze, crude humor, dark chocolate, gchat, friends visiting me, visiting friends, road trips, beer on a hot day, movies on a cold day, sterling silver, chicken wings, babies, my family, writing letters, poetry, my ptown crew, happy hour, funny accents, pictures, animals who look like my friends, flirting, cologne, random acts of nudity, cooking, holding hands, sex

50 words about cheese:
Pepperjack is nearly unmatched in awesomeness. Processed cheese is absolutely delicious. I could eat a whole baby loaf in half a day. I’m addicted to extra cheese on my pepperoni pizza. Cottage cheese, feta, cheddar, melted, gooey, good! I love everything about cheese, except when it’s swiss. Buy me cheese.

Please note that while I did, in fact, quit while writing my lists, this entire post totals exactly 500 words. In yo face.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

499th post

My horrrrrrrrn can pierce the skyyyyyyy!
I want this for Christmas. If you aren't familiar with the origins of Princess Unicorn, we probably aren't very good friends.

My next post will make 500. Wowzers.

Monday, December 15, 2008

498th post

artist rendering of horrible midget accident:

497th post

"A circus dwarf...died recently when he bounced sideways...and was swallowed by a yawning hippo..."

Hahaha. I shouldn't laugh. but this is too much.

I would expect to see this is some stupid Adam Sandler movie. Not real life. This is priceless.

496th post

it's mofuggin fuh-reeezin in Dtown today!

ok well it started sunday morning. snow took out our power. ah well. but then the snow stopped. the power came back on. i made my coffee. all was well.

the the arctic hell came through. last night, my dear friends, it reached -15 degrees. on the way to work this morning, it had warmed up to a toasty -9 degrees.

this was me in my hoopty, on the ride to work:

while i look constipated, i assure you that i was just frigid with record-breaking temps.

here are the top 5 essentials to keep with you or near you in weather like this:

5. a double-threat scarf (brings out your eyes AND keeps your neck warm)
4. a woolen peacoat (WITH hood!). trust me, these keep you warmer than any jacket ever will.
3. blistex medicated balm, obvs! your non-cracked and non-bleeding lips will thank you.

2. A string of curse words that flow together with good rhythm. That way, when everything you touch freezes your skin off, when every breath burns your lungs with icy cold air, when your car barely rattles to a start, and when the city feels as though Mr Freeze has taken can be sure to yell said string of curse words.
1. someone to hug! this will in no way help you survive the harsh elements. but let's face it, hugs are nice.

This public service announcement brought to you by Montastic.

Friday, December 12, 2008

495th post

The holiday potluck.

If you bring dessert to your office holiday potluck, expect 3 things.

1. Most people will buy pre-made cookies at the store. (Make yours from scratch and everyone will ooh and aah)

2. During the main course everyone will chat about how they need to save room for the delicious treat you brought.

3. No one will have room for it and, subsequently, they will not eat it.


I made what I named Pumpkin Awesomeness. Or just Awesomeness for short. A delicious recipe from the land of Tennessee. No one ate it for they were far too full of other delicious grubbin. As will very well be the case if you bring a dessert to the holiday potluck.

The solution?

Well, here is where your copywriting ability and dashing wit come into play.

Place the dessert out in the lunch room in the morning and advertise its uses AND benefits to the hungry morning employee.

The result?

Today's lesson: Advertise the shit out of your Awesomeness.

This public service announcement brought to you by Montastic.

Poop logs roasting on an open fire

Oh yes. The holidays done be hurrrr. So too are the many wonderful and wacky traditions from around the world. What weirdly wondrous tradition has me giggling today???

Montastic presents:

Caga Tió (the "Pooping Log") YES!

From the ever-trustworthy wikipedia:
"On Christmas day or, depending on the particular household, on Christmas Eve, one puts the tió partly into the fireplace and orders it to "poop" (the fire part of this tradition is no longer as widespread as it once was, since many modern homes do not have a fireplace). To make him "poop", one beats him with sticks, while singing various songs of Tió de Nadal.

The tió does not drop larger objects, as those are brought by the Three Wise Men. It does leave candies, nuts and torrons. Depending on the part of Catalonia, it may also give out dried figs. When nothing is left to "poop", it drops a salt herring, a head of garlic, an onion or "urinates". What comes out of the tió is a communal rather than individual gift, shared by everyone present."

So, if you want to be part of this tradition, which is likened to the American tradition of the Christmas tree, please make your own pooping log and sing the following song of caga tió:

"caga tió,
caga torró,
avellanes i mató,
si no cagues bé
et daré un cop de bastó.
caga tió!"

Or in English:

"poop log,
poop turrón,
hazelnuts and cottage cheese,
if you don't poop well,
I'll hit you with a stick,
poop log!"

Oh dear. It is to laugh!
Just a friendly reminder that holiday joy is spreading! And that Montastic is tickled by the word poop.

Friday Fun-Day Song Send-Off

Only 7 more posts until my 500th! What will it be?

Until then, my 5(ish) loyal readers, here is your Friday Fun-Day Song get you in the right mood for a Montastically delicious weekend!

Also, I did an arm workout last night (against my better judgment) and my poor widdle chicken wings are sore.

Also, 10 days until I'm going going back back to Cali Cali.

Also, happy 2 months to the man.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Man Vs Beast. The best show you aren't watching.

So, one of the many highlights of my weekend of love was the discovery of the show Man Vs. Beast.

Basically, men are in direct competition with some sort of beast. Like a sumo wrestler having a tug of war with an orangutan, or hot dog eating versus a grizzly bear.

Well, the episode I caught was a 4-man relay versus a camel. Of course, Team Man was made up of little people. Classic!

The final leg of the relay team was SO good. Check out the excitement for yourself.
This show is almost worth getting TV for.

a wednesday wad of things

First, I rather enjoy just how small this picture makes me feel.

Second, today is "Call in Gay Day." Meaning that if you are gay or support gay people, they are asking you to call in to work today and not come in. Just to show the sheer size of the gay community, and the financial impact it would have if people discriminate against them. I'm not quite sure I believe this is the best method. I fully support the gay and lesbian community. However, I do believe that if you don't want to be discriminated against you shouldn't claim a special day to not come to work. Don't be a slack ass and not come to work just because of your sexuality. If I were your boss, and your work was needed that day, I would fire you. Read for more info.

Third, Chase's big ol' booty is back and better than ever--in the form of her resurrected blog. So I present to you the newly named blog: The Chase is On.

Fourth, today I am wearing a new hat.

Fifth, you are my cuppy cake. OBVS!

Sixth, speaking of Cake -one of my fav bands- I sure do enjoy this song.

Last, this is my 491st post. Only 9 more until my 500th. Hmm... I should make it good. Any ideas??

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

order your wonder boner now

two things:
1. This is a legitimate product.
2. This is why I want to be in advertising.

I do love Target, but come on!

This is a family store. Sheesh.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

you know what's more important than a blog?


and for that very important reason, you will not be hearing from Montastic until next Tuesday.

ok ok might get a post from work tomorrow morning. before i board a plane for a weekend of lovin* from:

chaseypoo and borq



my man lover

*Montastic recommends this to each and everyone of you.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

acqua alta!

Have you heard? Venice is flooding! It's the worst is 20 years and it's due to high water (acqua alta, as it were). The canal is 5 feet above normal because of the weather and silt deposits building up in the bottom of the lagoon. AND 95% of the city is flooded.

Here's the articolo for more informazione.

"She's a real humdinger and I like 'em like that."

Ok, this is the last song post. But this is your belated Monday Funday Song Start-Off. And, I may or may not be wearing a blue dress...and looking quite devilish at that.

Today is a great day.
We had a HUGE win last night at soccer. Beating the #1 team 9-1. Unfortunately because they have beat us twice before, we still end up second place in the league for the season. But who cares! Montastic had two beautiful assists and 2 rad goals last night. And well...she's a devil with a blue dress on.

Better watch out.

Monday, December 1, 2008

"This city is for strangers, like the sky is for the stars."

I guess I'm feelin musical tonight! I found this one a while back. Also a good song. Very good lyrics.
Kind of sad, however.

"Open up your plans and damn you're free."

Nope. I just can't get enough of this jam.

The lyrics are also lovely.

Montastic vs small towns

destroy the wetlands!

So, after a nice relaxing weekend in McMinnville, TN...I arrived home Saturday night to relax and unwind.

After a delicious rich, sweet cup of cocoa. I decided it was time to cozy up with some big ugly oversized man-sweats. So I went to my closet. As I started to walk in, SMOOSH! My socks instantly soaked up with water. The Wetlands.

Naturally I went in to OHSB Mode. (Oh Holy Shit Balls Mode)

My closet is where I keep ALL my stuff as it is my only storage. So, whilst in OHSB Mode, I frantically ran around moving tons and tons of shit out of my closet...wearing only a shirt and my underwear (I was in mid-changing mode).

There were a few casualties of the Wetlands. The worst, unfortunately, was my portfolio. My first portfolio out of college. Destroyed. Sadface.

So, I spent my ENTIRE Sunday soaking up water with towels. Then drying them, while soaking up more water with a different set of towels. Then drying them. A sick cycle.

My closet smells like turd. The maintenance people should come today. The culprit? My washing machine. The damage? Not too bad I hope (though the baseboard in my closet (which shares a wall with the laundry room) is coming off in my closet) So, likely there is internal water damage in the wall.

Please send me and my Wetlands-closet positive thoughts, prayers, aromatherapy, helper fairies, etc.