Wednesday, August 22, 2007

my friend wants to talk to you

The scene:
it's 1am at the Pats (a cheap, fratboy-esque, testosterone overdose basement bar, for those of you not familiar)

The characters:
Yours truly - MonMon the Sexatron
A handful (roughly 4) of drunken boys with British accents. fake? perhaps.

The drama:
MonMon is getting ready to leave with Sethel and JonBoy when Boy A grabs here arm and mutters something incoherent.
"What?" yells MonMon. "It's too loud in here and you're too drunk!"
Boy A yells back "My friend wants to talk to you" and motions towards the clearly obliterated Boy B while boys C and D lean against the wall and giggle and shake their heads, tanked beyond belief.
Boy B smiles. "I do want to talk you." then to Boy A "Dude let her go, she was on her way out"
Boy A "He's been wanting to talk to you all night."
MonMon "Well that's weird cuz I've only been here for about 30 minutes and he didn't come and talk to me. You boys have a good night I'm on my way out with boyfriend and lover," motioning toward JonBoy and Sethel.
Boy B yells to Boy A "Man she has a boyfriend, I told you!" then to MonMon "And a lover? Well, my buddy still wants to talk to you."
MonMon "Well that's super nice but I'm outta here and you guys are all cut off."
Cue the shitty little drunken smiles and giggles from boys A, B, C and D.

MonMon exits stage left.

End Scene.

While I'm always flattered by boys wanting to chat with me in bars (regardless of their level of intoxication) this was particularly interesting. I mean how ridiculous to have a middle man when you're standing literally 4 feet away. Not only that but whats the deal with guys "wanting to talk to you all night" and not actually growing and pair and doing it. Trust me fellas, the last thing a girl wants is your drunk (and albeit, cuter) friend coming over and motioning towards a drunker (and less cute) you saying that you're interested. I mean it was definitely silly but it was going no where.

Here's what you do. I call it:
The Montastic Guide to Chatting up a Dime Piece (in 4 easy steps!)
1. It's ok to stare a bit until you make eye contact. Smile.
2. Repeat
3. Walk over and introduce yourself, offer to buy a drink. Ex: "what are you drinking? Next one's on me." Smile. (Don't worry, most girls will let you buy them a drink even if they think you aren't that cute, you look like a tool, they have a boyfriend, they were just leaving, etc etc etc. Either way, it's a definite way to break the ice, duh.)
4. Buy said drink. Chatsy-watsy.

This public service announcment brought to you by Montastic.

1 comment:

The Artistic Mercenary™ said...

Love the title "The Montastic Guide to Chatting Up A Dime Piece." Nice.

However, I'll have to publish my rebuttal. Not in defense of those d-bags, lord no! But my rebuttal, "Why American Girls Suck (and Don't Swallow)," and that's just a working title, about how most American girls tease or lead-on and either A) they don't mean to or B) they do it on purpose because they like attention. Which, of course, makes most of these girls either dumb or deceitful. And neither is a good attribute. But I give too much away...