Thursday, March 10, 2011

becoming human again, and hopefully female

Well, I'm finally creeping back to reality after being sick for almost a week. And not just some sort of sniffly boohoo cold....a huge fever, flu, and now a severe cough.

I feel like over the last 6 days I've embodied each of the figures on the chart of evolution. In particular, the first two.
Saturday was the start of it all. I woke up hurting all over. I rolled around on the ground (like a chimp) whining about how much my joints hurt. I tried to stretch them out but that made it worse. Then my temperature jumped to over 102. Then I started sweating profusely and pretty much gave up all hope of being recognizable as a member of the human species. 

Maybe it has something to do with the inability to walk from the couch to restroom (a seemingly endless 30 feet) without stopping at least once to literally cry in pain. Maybe it has something to do with shivering under 4 blankets while also sweating enough sweat to soak my clothes and soil my sense of femininity. 

Well, whatever it was very primal. And very ugly. 

Now to pull myself back together and become human again. I'd say I'm at the second-to-last figure on the evolutionary chart. I don't know why I'm carrying a spear, but I'm sure I'll figure that out before too long.

A few handy steps to becoming a woman again:
1. removing the fur from your neglected legs (as long as you can muster the energy to do this)
2. deodorant, lotion, and other non-essential pretty-smelling things
3. using full sentences, instead of grunts, whines, and moans
4. put on a bra for crying out loud you dirty monkey woman
5. one well-constructed homemade latte to make you feel just a tad bit classier (you may have to put your spear down in order to do this)

These helpful hints brought to you by the almost-a-lady-again Montastic.

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