mask or flask?

before long, (as in next week) i will be tossed into a very large group of people i used to work with. while my employment there was over a year ago, it didn't end on the highest of highs. i'm banking on the fact that i may not get recognized. (aside from the few people i've kept in contact with). i'm hopeful for 3.5 reasons.
first, its a huge company and i'm just another random face to most.
second, i didn't know a ton of employees when i was there, i kept a small circle of cool budbuds.
third, it was over a year ago and most of the peeps there are too busy to worry about remembering the excess baggage they dumped a while back.
and the half a reason, i look a bit different.
i only consider this a half because i'm not sure that my looks have changed so drastically as to hide my true identity. so i've provided a handy-dandy splitscreen, a then&now, as it were, to demonstrate said changes.


aww shoot, if that doesn't work, i have plan B which is either alcohol consumption to cut the awkwardness, or a HIGHLY clever disguise

drinky artsy, montastic likey

today's awesomeness comes from an artist named Hannes Broecker in Dresden, Germany. His art display is cool on so many levels:

first, i love the combination of glass, liquid, and color: the flatscreens are full of various, colored cocktails.
second, i love the level of interaction: guests can fill a glass (provided by the artist) with whichever drink they prefer.
third, i absolutely love the visual representation of preference: whichever drink is most popular would obviously go down first.
i think the contrast between something seemingly lowbrow (drinking from a spout) and the snobbery of the inevitable popularity contest (among the drinks being chosen) is absolutely brilliant. why would you drink the blue one if everyone is drinking the yellow? you wouldn't want to look ignorant by picking the wrong drink at such a fancy, artsy affair.
montastic likey a lotty.

find the article here.

TN, short and thick

Well, after a brief hiatus, Montastic has returned from the farmland, aka McMinnville, Tennessee.

Here's what I learned (and please keep this in mind if you ever visit..although some of it will be less than helpful to you)

1. Cows frighten if you approach them on foot, try a four-wheeler instead.
2. I'm really, really good at spotting bats in caves.
3. Some paint primer smells like bread dough.
4. If you are painting a kitchen, and you happen to fall off your ladder or stool, be sure the big glob of paint from your paint brush lands right in your mouth.
5. I think I could beat up most under-18 southern boys if we were to scrap.
6. After the men working on the plumbing downstairs tell you they are turning the water off and removing part of the piping, DO NOT make a doodoo upstairs and then flush the toilet.
7. Doggies do not like wobbly, rope bridges.
8. Places named "Butts" really do exist.
9. Smarshmella is an acceptable name for Marshmellows.
10. Young southern, church-going girls think my heels are impractical.
11. They don't call creeks "cricks," even though I really wish they did.
12. With every meal you get fruit punch. In various colors.
13. Everything is about 30 minutes away. So get used to it city girl. And slow your ass down.
14. Carry a big stick, old pipe or a rattle to ward of attacking dogs whilst walking at night.
15. When old southern folk sound like they are just burping, acknowledge them with a response of "mmhmm" or "i see" as it is most likely that they did, in fact, say something and not just belch.

fact-o-thanksgiving

paul the pilgrim is here to share his knowledge* with you.

everyone is so quick to say that the tryptophan in turkey is what makes them so sleepy. buncha liars!
chicken has more tryptophan than turkey.
so does pork.
and some cheeses.
red meat and salmon are almost tied.
so it's not the turkey. stop saying that it is.
perhaps it's just the fact that the average person consumes between 4,000 and 4,500 calories on Thanksgiving day. And all those excess calories can bog you down.

i think we've all learned something today.



*Montastic's knowledge from her time as a writer for Wild Oats

a vinter vonderland!

yay! today was freezing ass cold! yesterday was dreadfully pleasant... low 70s! in the middle of frickin November. But today, oh beautiful today, was mid thirties. what a magnificent change of temperature. i heart colorado. i walked 2 blocks to lunch and was shivering by the time i got there. and then it snowed tonight. just a little. not enough to stick. but enough to remind the colorado population that winter is in fact coming.. and to remind montastic that the cold hath cometh to make her happy!

in other news, through my weight loss efforts, my boobs have shrank. while you might be thinking this is no big deal because i had plenty to spare.. i am saddened, shocked, and intrigued by this. i didn't expect it to happen so suddenly. i swear it was fuckin overnight.

lastly, but definitely not leastly, i'm finding myself in love with two new artists/groups. first, the avett brothers. bluesy grassy goodnessy. and second, matt costa. he's goddamn brilliant. check out a lovely lil' acoustic number below... i have a new, creepy crush on someone i've never met.

quite lovely

a few commercials from ebay that you've probably already seen. It's the "shop victoriously" campaign based on the idea that something is better when you win it.
i think they are beautifully cast, simple, insightful, wonderful. the first one here is my favorite.

my thursday take

it's thursday. i'm sick. i've been crazy busy at work (imagine that!) and have yet to post this week. so my thursday take on the life and times of montastic should sum up the two biggest learnings of this week.. although the latter is nothing new.

first, cougars. not the animals. the older, single women who go to bars to pick up young men (known as cougar bait). i almost dressed as a cougar for halloween.. velour sweat suit, heels, big red nails, too much eyeliner (check out urbandictionary.com for a gloriuos definition of a cougar). anyway, "cougar" is a well-known term out here in colorado. i learned of it in oregon... from a guy from colorado. there's a lot of cougar culture out there. cougar huntin' (where young guys go out and try to pick up a coug). cougar attacks. needless to say i wondered what the term for the male version would be... (ie: an older man who preys on younger women). and you know what i found... the term is Dingo (according to urban dictionary)..
maybe the dingo ate your baby.

second, gross incompetence coupled with ignorance does not a happy montastic make.

it's F@%#@!!@# Friday!

And you know what I learned this morning from my oh-so-wonderful (and insanely old) radio alarm clock??
Swearing at work is a beautiful f`1!@#$!$ thing!

Check out the damn article to see how F!#@$!king cool this sh%* is!
according to researchers "Regular swearing at work can help boost team spirit among staff, allowing them to express better their feelings as well as develop social relationships..."

Of course you could google it and get more little insights into this blessed discovery.

That is wonderful news as many of you may know... because lil' montastic has quite the potty mouth!

While I'm not about to go up to my boss and wish him an a fan-f#$%king-tastic weekend, I am thrilled to know that my swearing is therapeutic and will help me escape the darkness.

In fact, me and Obediah (a giant fish on loan until the darkness passes) feel like this today, as a result of this groundbreaking research:



off to my damn job in my f#&*$!*5 sweet office to do some more s@#$!

five alive

Fear not, montastic is not all tears and gloom. so i've decided to start a new post that may reappear the next time the darkness takes over. and it's called five alive.
and it is five things that have been awesome today (or will be awesome before the day is over).
and, of course, their level of awesomeness varies greatly and is completely subjective.
duh, sillyface!

1. good earth original tea to help warm my cold fingers and nose
2. hangin with ob
3. coworkers talking about substance abuse over lunch
4. sore muscles from yesterday's workout
5. zz top

and this is how i feel today - **update**

i'm not sure if it's the puppy chow.
or the burning.



wait... no. maybe i feel more like this



it could be because of that horrible outfit. but that is unlikely.

ahhh, nostalgia in the air

freshman year of college our dorms were next to a bread factory. so every morning, and some evening we would smell the lovely and mouth-watering aroma of fresh bread baking, or sometimes cinnamon rolls. and oh my goodness it was delicious.

similarly, i now live by another factory. and on certain days there's an aroma of baking as well. only this time, it's not a bakery.

it's purina puppy chow.

gross.

Burning

I've heard about heartache.
Where the very thing keeping you alive is in pain.
At least that's what they say.

Well, my heart doesn't ache.
But every inch of my body is on fire with it.

It burns right behind the eyes.
It's when you can't make eye contact with yourself in the mirror...at least not for too long.
Because you cry.
Maybe one cliched tear that leaves a seared trail.
Maybe a cry that heaves your whole body forward, the lowest lonely.

It burns in your stomach.
Like nausea, but different.
You can't eat because food tastes bad. It hits hard in your belly.
Like the rock you just threw in your glass house.
Why eat? You just broke something. You broke someone.

It burns in your throat, choking. Because talking about it is too much.
And talking about anything else seems trivial.
So you may just throw up.
Throw up the tightness in your throat.
Or try to breathe.
But even air tastes sad. Trust me.

It burns in your arms that can't hold them.
Your hands that can't touch.
Your ears void of their voice.
It burns in your knees because you can't find the strength to walk.
It burns everywhere.
Which is a reminder that you aren't, in fact, as empty as you feel.
If you were, you wouldn't burn with pain inside.

You are on fire.
But the heart feels fine.
Pumping life to each hot, tormented inch. And you keep going.

And your eyes will cry until they can't.
And you will lose weight because you can't eat, until one day you can.
And you'll find the words to talk about it.
And the air will smell normal.
Your arms will hold something else, your hands too.
Even if it's only yourself.
And your ears will listen to someone else.
And you'll walk right into the next day feeling full and not empty.

Not like you just ruined the best part of your life.
And the fiery pain of heartache will burn out.
At least that's what they say.
I'm not sure I believe it.

because people don't realize

it has been brought to my attention more than once (recently, when i was younger, years ago, 2 months ago, today) that my outward composure and constant temperament leads many to believe that i am doing better at life than i am.

well, i've crafted the handy chart below, to help those who are confused.



the gray area is what you see, the everyday me.
the blue area is just that, blue.

i like the way that a friend of mine out on deployment put it.. under my hard shell is a warm, soft nouget needing love.

i hope this clarifies any misconceptions you may or may not have had about montastic being able to handle her current situation.

ahh, refreshing

i'm hoping that many of you have seen this, as it exploded onto the flickr scene last week. i didn't have the time to blog about it then, but sure as hell saved the image so as to do it justice today.

i think it is a refreshing spin on an old medium, flyers. and i wish i knew this person. and this dog.



if you can't read it, the copy says...
"Have a look at this beautiful motherfucking dog. He was last seen being awesome in my huge ass back yard which is where he is right now being awesome as usual. He is about the most beautiful god damn dog in the whole world and chews on expensive food all the time. RESPONDS TO 'XERXES'"

what a breath of fresh air. and how silly. montastic likey!