moo-cow goes to court

because i found this funny when chase shared it with me
because we agreed this is what i would do if i turned to a life of crime
because chase used the horribly bad pun of "utterly silly"
because after i saw the lady's picture, i knew i just had to share

Monday Funday Song Start-Off!

any publicity is good publicity

hahaha this actually made me laugh. sad, i know.

awesome cupcakes

that is all.

yumzo

Dear Hot Black Coffee,
You're so steamy and dreamy. Like a hug from the inside out. You complement the sunny, cool morning and my newfound outlook on the day. Contrasting with the silver lining of my coffee mug, you are absolutely dazzling! You excite all 5 senses as your aroma feels my nose while I gaze at you..and the warmth on my hand matches the simple yet yummy taste in my mouth as I sip you down with a gulp only I can hear. You are cheap, decaffeinated, and lacking depth today. And I love you for it.
Sincerely,
Montastic

and one for chaseypoo

"Make your weiner goodest."

It's still dark outside!

Well it is 5:30 am. I am awake. Five aliiiiiiive! A brand new week.
Plus I'm going to go the gym. Now, don't think to highly of my athletic ability. I'm going to the gym to walk for 30 minutes. Then bike for 30 minutes. You see...my knee feels like I have hurt it at soccer. Sad. So I want to go loosen it up a little before sitting at my oh-so-lovely job for 8 hours. Low-impact. Low-intensity. High-fun.

Though I am sleepy.

In other news, I heart Matteo. :) Grazie a lui per l'email! Era la prima cosa che ho letto stamattina e mi ha fatto sorridere--come lui! Quanto mi manca il mio piccolo pezzo di bello!

time to change focus

perhaps 2 of you know what has got me down lately. well...regardless, Montastic needs to change her focus and outlook on life. because she has been in the dark place for too long now. four days of serious sadness and confusion can be blinding and detract from what is awesome in life.

here is just a small list of the many things that are awesome in my life:

my family
my ladies
davers
my peeps in portland
my extra hot coffee today
snowboard season in a few weeks
special getaway in 10 days
and the great guy I'm going with
endless possibilities in april
being healthy
writing a lot
catching up with someone important last tuesday
people in general

the only thing keeping me sane is the people that i know. and the capacities in which i know them. yes, my coffee is delicious this morning, and i write and i'm healthy. but everything on that list ended up having to do with people.
and i guess that's whats been hard lately...choosing between people. between who you want to spend your time with, when you want to spend your time with more than one person. choosing something great (a person who is important) while getting rid of something great (a person whose is also important). relationships are what make life worth living. so said person #2. i agree.

...and life is riddled with choices regarding relationships (with friends, family, and significant others). sometimes, the correctness of the choice is never validated. i'm hoping that is not the case for me.

so, Montastic is turning all her negative energy and sad thoughts around today. And hopefully by tomorrow, she can put blinders on toward the pain...and focus on the great. and making it greater.

it's a hard life.

but it's a good life.


smile....ugh. believe me?

good.

Montastic has spoken. It's a good life.

It's...

...Saturday morning at 8:24 am. And my coffee is not nearly hot enough. And I do not feel nearly rested enough.

...not like I can sleep anyway.

...going to be a beautiful day and all I can think about is how I'm ready for it to be over already so I can sit and think some more. Even though my thoughts bring no new insight.

...time for Oct 8 to get here already. I need to know.

...annoying how I have my paycheck but can't cash it until Tuesday.

...the little things that can make you remember why something is worth it. That remind you of what you want.

...the little things that can totally crumble a situation.

...amazing when things happen "like in the movies." But it never works out like in the movies. Maybe it should. Maybe not.

...beginning to feel like this time last year. I felt a big change on the horizon. Just a gut feeling, not knowing what was coming. Then my entire life was turned upside-down within 4 days. I trust you remember. Well, it feels like that again.

...so hard not to talk to you.

...probably better that way. Better how? I'm still figuring that out. But I'm certain it's better that way.

...Saturday morning at 8:31 am. And my coffee is not nearly hot enough. And I do not feel nearly rested enough.

just hold on to the end

i was introduced to John Frusciante on a trip to Portland a month or so ago. by someone important to me.

this song reminds me of something recently. i've included the lyrics below. enjoy. or don't. at this point i don't really care.


"Ascension"

Coming up to the end
These feelings weren't always pretend
Review your whole life and you don't even have to die
Life would never leave me alone
A choice which way i wanted to go
And everything I've seen is wrong to make me what I'll be
All men
You don't need anyone
Just hold on to the end
And you don't even have to look good
Woman
You do fine on you own
You're free to cry and you don't even have to wipe your eyes
You once saved me
and now I'm where you want me to be
Acending endlessly and I don't even have to try

because my spam is entertaining me today

"Don't look at your diminutive willy as worth worrying about!"

And the subsequent conversation with Chase about it:

Montastic: oh man. spam subject line: Don't look upon your diminutive willy as worth worrying about!

Chase: hahahaha

Montastic: hahaha ahhhh....i wish i started reading this before

Chase: i like the vocab and alliteration
i wonder who gets paid to come up with this stuff.

Montastic: i hate diminutive willies
and cat dicks, frankly

Chase: hahahaha too damn funny

awesome spam email subject line

"Hey cat dick! You can make it much bigger, what are you waiting for?"

You see, me and my Chaseypoo have been sharing our dirty spam subject lines with each other for a while now. They seem to be getting better and better. And naturally more ridiculous. Cat dick, however, seems to have trumped everything thus far.

today's word

conferrifited >adj< (cun-fair-if-eye-tid)

first use was in the Monstastic dictionary, circa September 25 of the year 2008. original meaning has long since been lost, but historians assume it is a word that comes from three others: confused, terrified, excited

usually used to describe the sensation one feels after a life choice or during a given circumstance that has caused not only doubt and fear, but a hopeful anxiety for the future. such a feeling, bursting with contradicting emotions, tends to leave one feeling paralyzed with shock, or in a dream-like feeling, as if nothing is real anymore.

eg 1:
After the last couple eventful days, that girl was conferrifited.

eg 2:
The lactose intolerant man was conferrifited after drinking a double-thick milkshake.

I chose

face down
I face myself
eyes closed
I see myself
I had a choice
to make
I used my voice
to break
a heart
to take
apart
awake
to dark
my own
confusion and thought
left me caught
an illusion
of you or
of him
neither a whim
neither wore thin
neither would sink
I couldn't swim
with two
without you
without him
I flipped a coin
of heavy heart
weighted
with love
to give
landing
with only
"what if?"


9.10.08

National Punctuation Day

Oh yes. It's real. And while I may not always use proper punctuation, when I notice it used poorly...if you know me at all...I point it out. I heart punctuation!

Feel free to peruse the simple website. Fill yourself with punctuational delights.
Like the semicolon meatloaf recipe:


Or this awesome shirt that proves how dorky I am by my love for it:


Happy! punctuation; day-to? my, loyal: reader's)

and THIS is how i feel today.

that is a baby. a weird looking one. stupid weird-looking confused baby.

this is how i feel today

good print

Click for larger views, pretty please.

great concept:


great silliness:

about this time last year

...I posted about why I love fall. And in case you didn't know...today is the first day of fall. At 9:44 am Mountain time. So..10:44 west coast time. Which means that in 38 minutes, it's officially my favorite season! Hooray!

...I was two weeks away from moving downtown to my apartment in the city and out of the suburbs.

...I was also two weeks away from breaking up with my longterm live-in boyfriend.

...I was waiting to hear if I would be hired on at my job here at JWT.

...My mom and stepdad had been married just a few short weeks.

...A friend of mine in Oregon had just been rushed to ICU with serious digestive issues requiring multiple surgeries.


It is now 24 minutes until Fall.

another weird pervy Friday article

Funny Friday Headline

Dear gentlemen of the blog-reading world,

It was brought to my attention this morning that if you are possibly congested and/or suffer from regular congestion, not only may you end up leading a more unhappy life...but a possible solution lies right in the palm of your hand. The one-man fun-band. GET IT BOY!
Apparently the way your body reacts to, um, the act of, um, emission is by stimulating certain receptors that help naturally clear your congestion. So, GET IT BOY!

This public service announcement brought to you by Montastic.

another good sign

click for a larger view
nice execution sign-putter-upper guy!

found on boingboing.

My name is Montastic, and I'm a blogger.

Thanks to Sethel for finding these. Which are awesome. And made my morning better, which I needed.
I do heart Will Ferrell, but I have to say.... Davey-Chaps took first in these two apple self-parody spots. (Although both are oh-so-silly!)
As for Montastic... I'm a PC at home. I'm a Mac at work. Imagine that...

your biggest regret

Find more videos like this on AdGabber


exclamation point!

how freakin rad. the difference in the intensity of the regrets is so intriguing to me. my favorite: eating six tacos.
oh the regret.

i before e

well, the "i before e" rule came up today in a chat with Zman. which reminded me of hilarious man Brian Regan. and this sketch:

ignore the weird cartoon someone put it to. enjoy the audio.
meanwhile, i'm going to go buy two boxen of cookies.

All You Need to Know to be a Successful Dater

Have juice in your refrigerator.



because 99% of guys will want it. trust me. i have dated EXACTLY 2,000 guys in my brief time on this planet. and 1,980 of them have wanted juice. the subject of juice will come up in one of three ways:

1. You offer them something to drink.
"Got any juice?"
"No."
"No?! Well, I'm good then."
"Ya sorry, I don't drink much juice."
"Really? No juice?"
"No."

2. They become comfortable enough (or are generally brazen enough) to raid your fridge when you are in the other room. Then they yell to you...

"GOT ANY JUICE IN HERE?"
"In where?"
"The fridge."
"No, do you see any?"
"No."
"Then no."
"Who doesn't have juice?"
"Me."

3. A follow-up conversation regarding the originally lack-of-juice-ownership discovery...which involves a list of many juice flavors, just to make 100% sure that I know my own opinion on juice.

"I can't believe you don't have any juice. Do you not like it?"
"Not really."
"Not even orange?"
"Citrus hurts my stomach."
"Apple?"
"Too sweet."
"Grape?"
"Ehhh..."
"Cranberry?"
"It's ok."
"Grapefruit?"
"Still citrus...."

In summation:

LADIES, IF YOU WANNA GET SOME....GET SOME JUICE.


This public service announcement brought to you by Montastic.

poorly-sleeping kinda-beauty

UGH.
That pretty much sums up this whole post. So feel free to skip it if you have anything remotely better to do.
Montastic has a problem. She hasn't slept well for the past 3 nights, maybe 4..maybe....even...5! THE HORROR!

Now, I've never been a good sleeper. The slightest things wake me up.
Examples:
someone walking their dog outside says "aren't you a good boy?"
my roommates phone beeps way on the other side of the apartment
my pillow gets too warm on one side.

Anyway, these restless nights have not been plagued by my normal inability to fall asleep, but a newfound misery: waking up regularly, and tossing and turning...almost angrily. I can't get comfortable. I have 4 pillows to choose from people! The sheets get tangled as I kick and squirm, which in turn pisses me off. Then I get mad that I let the sheets have that effect on my calmness. Then I get hot. So I turn the fan on, then I get cold. So I try to cover up but I get tangled again. So I go turn the fan off. Then I'm frustrated the air is no longer moving.

If you're keeping track this has left me: uncomfortable, pissed off, annoyed with an inanimate object, and having menopausal hot flashes...though I'm much too young for that.

I've been trouble shooting this morning.
No, I haven't been drinking caffeine late at night (not that it affects me anymore anyway).
No, I haven't eaten weird food that would make my digestive system annoyed.
No, I haven't recently bought any sort of new bedding that my body has to get used to.
No, I'm not sick.
No, I don't have excess energy as I work out every night.
and No, I'm not afraid of Mr. Sandman.

Please help. I'm used to dealing with being tired. No biggy. But to actually wake up frustrated because of your shitty night of sleep..?!?@# It makes me wonder...whats the point of even going on with today.

I'd rather lay around all day. But not in my bad-sleep bed, perhaps on the couch. Or your bed. Thoughts?

the first use of the word vagina film

Thanks to Disney. Circa 1946.

wow.
"not only can you bathe, you should bathe."
i wasn't going to watch it all, because well...it's kind of boring. but it gets oddly sexist at the end. so simple. so surface-level. so disney.

Bust a Nut!

I have mentioned this old campaign to a few people recently...for Corn Nuts delicious snacks. And well, I'm not sure if they believed me that Corn Nuts had a tagline of "Bust a nut!" Well, doubt me no more!
Please enjoy the radio ad below. DO IT NOW. Then go bust a nut, if you feel so inspired.

happy friday

best worst album cover i've seen

chances are if you read any blogs like i do, you've stumbled across ridiculous lists of old album covers. at least at some point. long ago. well i've seen many a collection. and many a ridiculous cover. but really, this one makes me LITERALLY LOL! and it sounds kind of like a mix between a squawk and a shriek. repeated. times 3.

then, once i regain composure...and chance a second look at the picture..i exhale rapidly through my nose..in what sounds like a scoff, but really it's an appreciation for such pure beauty.

from august 16th

distance has set me apart
a choice that tries my heart.
with visits
and trips it's
not enough...
so what is it?
a move. a change. a place.
but I don't know what it is
I chase.



and..because I know she will ask or make some sillypants comment...yes chaseypoo, this is about you. you see, i even ended with your name.

1 to 100

i've seen this before, a long time ago. and i stumbled across it again today. i think it's so interesting to see the innocence of children turning to adults turning to elderly. hmm. makes you think.

very good. it made my thursday just a tad bit better to see this again.

light it up, don't get burned

From Duo Design out of Holland, these metal candles are absolutely lovely.

I mean, they're so elegant. And simple. And reusable. And would go anywhere in my apartment. Or yours. Or his. Or hers.
Find me them. Buy me them. I will love you forever.*




*I will probably not fall in love with you. Nor will it last forever.

where in the world are you

This site is mildly interesting. Just plop your name it. Hit "search" and see where in the world your name is most prominent. Mine you ask? Italy of course! Heyo!

Almost 23 people per million have my name in Italia. Che magnifico!


However, while it is most popular in Italy as a country, as far as regions go, Montastic has taken over India.


And, if India wasn't good enough, I win Aberdeen, South Dakota. Don't act like you're not impressed.

every 45 seconds a black man enters an elevator

maybe use headphones on this one. there's some colorful language. no pun intended. dammit!

ahhh. hilarious.

Peter Pan, so wise you are

"Never say good-bye because good-bye means going away, and going away means forgetting."

yay good advertising!

these are the best things i've seen in a while...and trust me, i read a lot of blogs. and see a lot of ads.
this is just great. it resonates with my own life experience...and my distaste (no pun intended) for bad breath. ugh.

someone else's sausage

Safe Sex (SOA Aids Nederland): Body parts
by hourigan

haha this is ridiculous. that is all.

RNC. DNC. IDK! LOLZ!

shown to me by frijolito, and now shared with you.... the RNC and DNC in a minute.

sausage attack

Wow. I often stumble across silly news stories. And I haven't definitely posted some strange ones on here. But this article is absolutely ridiculous. Found in the Fresno Bee, it's no surprise that Freso, California would host a lovely article that starts with this:
"A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed spices over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house..."
Hahaha oh and it gets better. They couldn't find the assault weapon because, as you may have so-obviously guessed, the dog ate it.
Wow.
Happy Montastic Monday.

colorful Monday kickoff

Audrey Kawasaki

Montastic is bringing you a little bit o' art on this cold, wet Friday. Found on boingboing, this art by Audrey Kawasaki completely impresses me. I love the medium - paint on wood! Also, I like the detail of the simplicity...if that makes sense. Anyway, her website is here. The link to her latest exhibition, which is where I found the awesome images from her latest art show in Rome, is here.
Please click the pix for a larger, more impressive image.



Very neat. Rather lovely.

Zippo is hot-o.

Adrants has pointed me toward some very nifty banner ads for Zippo.

As described by Adrants:
"It's not often online banners excite. Gone are the days a banner would evoke anything other than "Will that friggin' thing stop flashing?!" But Pittsburgh agency Brunner has created an ingeniously inventive banner campaign for Zippo which makes humorous use of the product's primary function."

Check them out here, here, and here. My favorite is the first one. I think it's a pretty cool execution of a fairly tired ad medium. That is, if you wanted my opinion on the matter.

Bravo for me!

yay daveypants! finding a silly commercial that made me smile. it's so strange and awesome. i sure do love it.
yay advertising. just for this brief, fleeting moment.
the best part is that it's completely unrelated to what it's advertising. but, i'm sure i'll remember what it was for, for the fact that it was SO far from relevant.
ahhh, wednesday.

you are my sweetest downfall

so I introduced a fantastic person to the fantastic Regina Spektor tonight. And upon youtubing her...i was reminded how freaking awesome she is and how much i adore her lyrics.

that is all.

more awesome vintage advertising

brought for your Tuesday morning enjoyment by Montastic

click for a larger view...and to read the glorious copy.
my favorite lines:
"As you stroke, it strokes... It's almost like having another lover there with the two of you."