PTOWN GETDOWN 2008

Montastic will be blogless for the next couple of days. Instead of being in Denver blogging, she will be in Ptown...

for a little of this:

some of this:

and a whole lot of this:

he'll do

found on the denver egotist.

harsh words against my love

if you know me at all (and if you don't, you really should. i'm quite spectacular) you know I have a sinfully beautiful love for caffeine free diet pepsi.

well today boingboing linked to an article about someone's sheer hatred for said succulence. while i disagree with all the mean and hurtful things he said about my precious...it nudged my funny bone a few times.

an excerpt:
"If you haven't tasted Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi, but would like an idea of what it tastes like, do this - keep a straw in your pocket and wander around outside until you find a pigeon or squirrel that's been dead for, oh, say three months. Stick the straw into the dead animal and suck. Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi tastes like that, except worse. Plus, the taste lingers in your mouth for months. And gradually gets worse until it's like your mouth was invaded by the notoriously rare and deadly Asian Shit Ant."

haha oh man. well played my friend. agree to disagree we must.

buck-fifty wrap up

i believe montastic forgot to tell the whole world (and by whole world i mean my 8 readers) that i did, in fact, meet my buck-fiddy goals. and then some.

experimentation

the other night i had some friends over. and loads of booze.
then, per the usual, i suggested something a little bit...um...different. a little freaky. a little abnormal. but worth experimenting with while we're young.

we all dressed up as japanese men, learned japanese, strung up some mallows and rubberbands, and made this kinky little number right here....



i'm the 4th person the red team. chase is the last. in case you were wondering. we had very good makeup.

wednesday lyric

oldie but goodie....

"if that's all you will be,
you'll be a waste of time."


Two Points for Honesty - Guster.

eight

mph over the speed limit.

way to make your quota copper.

ticket? whaaaaa!?

boys! boys! boys!

thanks to chase for showing me this.
and thanks to troy for showing it to her.
and thanks to bearforce1 for existing.
in a word? teehee.

not as black.

a strange and inexplicable thing has been happening lately---i've been putting creamer in my coffee. the horror! usually i drink it straight black...and prefer it in a white cup (it looks more tasty with the color contrast).

well i can only hypothesize as to why creamer has come into my life. My best guess is that my need to fluff up and chick-i-fy my coffee is that there is not enough fluff and chick-i-fying in the rest of my life. Clearly there are 5 needed steps to fix this..

1. make more ooey gooey coo sounds at babies, puppies, little rabbits and the like.
2. no more goddamned pirate cursing! you poop mouth!
3. start going to the bathroom in groups of girls. of course, if you don't know any girls of your own (much like montastic), feel free to follow random groups of girls...and then laugh and joke with them like you belong. don't worry little pretty, one day you will belong. one day.
[[caution caution caution!! conversations can turn gross, in which case it is more than fair to remove yourself from the situation. example of gross overheard bathroom conversation at Nallens bar: I used to have a TON of backwarts and the doctors didn't know what to do. the warts were all over.]]
4. OMG MANNIES AND PEDDIES LIKE TOTALLY ALL THE TIME!!@# oh and fake tans. and calling my friends "besties" and shit like that. gross. (i think i just blew rule #2)
5. If 1-4 don't work...get back on testosterone pills, who cares about the inevitable 'stache and balls.

i do love little kittens

ok, so i apologize for posting so many videos lately... i promise to post something from the depths of my own mind soonish.
but this was too beautifully sexist and british to go unshared.

what a singsong voice

oh man. i laughed. i cried. i got angry. i was confused. and comforted. and smiled...for three reasons.

3. i heart disney movies
2. i like his clothing choice
1. umm..he sounds like a chick and a dude

the solo duet is amazing.... and by no means an oxymoron here.




also found at say no to crack.

TIDDIES!

yes. this a real thing. oh how i heart american products.


found on say no to crack.

it has everything to do with anything

for those who use the last bathroom stall...we all know you're pooping. don't get stage fright because someone else comes into the bathroom. everybody poops. there's a book about it, so i know it must be true.

i'm regretting my break-up with cheese.

spring is coming. and so are my pasty white legs. brace yourself denver.

excuse me sir, your insanely tight pants draw too much attention to your package. it already casts enough of a shadow as is. please stop distracting me and everyone around it.

i waited entirely to long to make use of my new average-sized-looking orange purse which can hold a handle of vodka, 2 caffeine free diet cokes, a bottle of sprite zero, 2 bottles of cranberry juice, my camera, my wallet, my sunglasses, some pens, random coins, my bottle of pain meds, a lighter, 3 chapsticks, 2 packs of gum and my huge wad of keys...without even looking full. thank you mary poppins bag, thank you.

the great P-Town Get-Down 08 is in eight days. oh my heck. can't wait.

my highly accurate man-dar was challenged at lunch yesterday as i could not tell if the person walking towards me was a man or not. fortunately, my counterpart aided my struggles with the conclusion "it's pat."

Q: How long before you start speaking with an ex again?
A: Margaritas

having the ability to charm the pants off of someone should be used for good. and evil. and everything in between.

dear triscuits, why for you runs out on me yesterday and make me feel things so sad?

decent copy i mildly appreciate

a few ads for Cheeky Monkey nuts that i think are pretty cool.. both in the written and visual sense.
So..um...click the images to see them bigger and enjoy (or not enjoy) what lies ahead.

oh falstaff! you always ask the right questions.

premium old advertisements for America's Premium Quality Beer: Falstaff.

got a thirst for man size pleasure?

WHY YES I DO.

nothing says i love you like...

a cute and cuddly venereal disease!

perhaps the good ol' herpes:

or syphilicious:

or my fav, the clap:


thanks to chaseypoo for showing me this.

i totally wrecked that

HUH-LARRY-ISSSSSS!

too funny

found at New and Improved Stereotypes

tales from the crip

That's right ladies and gents... Montastic sprained BOTH ankles snowboarding today.
Righty is far better off than lefty. Nonetheless they both feel like poo.
Here's what I've learned:

- A sedentary lifestyle would not a happy Montastic make.
- I do like watching movies. Perhaps I should stop running around ALL the time and chillout a bit.
- Driving a stickshift w/two bum ankles is not easy.
- Nor is it my preferred means or transportation.
- Ice is fuckin cold.
- Forward handsprings down the mountain on a snowboard, while postively glorious-looking is positively-injurious.
- My 4 minute showers are not exactly short enough sometimes.
- I want to run and skip and play and laugh!
- I have a pretty damn decent tolerance for pain
- Just because you cant see it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Much like a broken heart. or the clap.

go to google

type in "find chuck norris"
click the "i'm feeling lucky button."

enjoy the perfection of the results.

a send off into the weekend

thank you Rod the Bod.

i pood a little

laughing so hard at this. maybe it's not that funny and i'm just on very very little sleep, which i am. however, i'm quite certain this is the funniest damn thing today. cuz oh my heck, this guy's face is absolutely priceless the second he realizes that he said the wrong word.
a most brilliant slip of the tongue that is.

i like pinching tits when i go camping too.

trifecta of girl crushes

dear fat little cupid child,
thank you for bringing chase, perry, and borq into my life. and thanks for the perfectly natural and normal crushes i have on all the whole lot of 'em!
this one goes out to all my babymamas!. and by "all" i mean just "the following three."
so, um.. this one goes out to the following 3 babymamas.
and by "babymamas" i mean "female friends without babies that i have."
so, um.. this one goes out to the following three females friends without babies that i have.

1. Chaseypoo AKA Occhi Pazzi

there once was a tranny named Chase
who left hair all over the place
she smiled in her sleep
i watched like a creep
then got a tattoo of her face

2. Robyn AKA the Borq-inator

there once was midget named Robyn
who rhymed her name with Robyn
she wants me i know it
even though she wont show it
robyn robyn robyn robyn robyn.

3. Diana AKA Perrypants

there once was a lezzer named perry
whose tiny head i found quite scary
she'd crack 'em off with great ease
thank god for febreze
if i swung that way, we would marry.

application to be mine

Please fill out and return promptly, as there is only one day each year to celebrate the fact that you may or may not be mine. And that day... that day my friends... that day is today.

Name:
Nickname:
Age:
Fav cheese:
Missing limbs or fingers?:
Fav bad word:
Albino?:
Little person?:
Can you give a solid high-give?:
Snort when you laugh?:
Asshole? (if yes, please go away):
Female? (if yes, need not apply):
Piercings or tats:
Black Coffee?:
A phrase to describe yourself:
A phrase to describe me:
Why you rock:
If you made a candy-heart what would it say?*:




*Montastic's would say: IDK! OMG LOLZ!!@#

get your moral fiber

a little mo' of the goodness that is flight of the conchords.


happy hump day from montastic with love. and a little bit of tongue.

it's right for everyone, idiot.

ha. ha. hahaha. HA HA AHAHHAS!@

will ferrell, forever and ever

After discussing a love for Will Ferrell last eve, I find it wildly appropriate to share my favorite of his Old Spice slash Semi Pro commercials with you.

obscure holiday.. of the day.

Mindless morning talk radio alerted me to the fact that today is "Satisfied Being Single Day." I'm not sure I believe it... probably just a buncha singles wanting to have a day for themselves since all those couple folk get their day on the 14th.
Either way, I present to you:
Montastic's Top 10 Reasons to be Single.

10. loads more free time to like, do stuff.
9. oodles of skrilla saved by not going out as much.
8. it's totally fine if you wear those XXL sweatpants that give you diaper-ass. because you know you're a fox.
7. less drama to be saved for yo mama
6. shameless and gratuitous ladies nights. (or guys nights. or trannies nights. whatevs.)
5. the fascinating intricacies of the dating scene. and the even more interesting audacity of the dating scene.
4. space in bed... as far as the eye can see! a cozy sea in which to swim!
3. indulging your embarrassing habits in private. (eg: trashy celebrity gossip magazines, porn, eating a whole box of triscuits, flexing in the mirror and shouting GIVE ME MORE! MORE!)
2. all those fish in the sea. especially the weird ones that went too close to the power plant and are just a teensy bit "off."
1. you don't have to shave. ever really. not if you don't want to. ooh. furry.

interstate pick-up

This post is dedicated to the most ridiculously brilliant and original pick-up attempt I've experienced.

While stuck in stop-and-go traffic heading up I-70 for a day of solo snowboarding, Monstastic had her windows down, enjoying her new car stereo, the lovely sunshine and temps in the low 40s.

Cue the "hi!" you never usually want to hear from another car on the highway.

Phew, it was a car of snowboarder dudes, and not creepy old truckers with 2 teeth and the aroma of bourbon.

Mindless banter ensued. What's your name....where you riding...do you guys pick up girls like this all the time...come ride with us...can I get your number...

The answer? Heck yes you can.
A+ for effort. You made my day. And I'm sure I made yours. Because let's face it, that was awesome.

In other news, it has come to my knowledge that the side-profile of my top half is very hot and attention-getting. I think 70 westbound is my new place to troll for men.

alcohoroscopes

based on your lovely star-sign, learn about what type of drinker you are.
mine is rather spot on, in fact.

GEMINI
Gemini’s can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusions, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini’s possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

drink w/o changing - check.
flirt successfully - check.
mix it up - check.
puke on shoe - not check.

Dear Coffee House Boy,

Wow. You have probably the most wonderful face I have seen in a while. A+ on the eye contact. I even forgot what I wanted to order, even though I order the same thing every time. Extra hot. Your smile warmed my toes and brightened my glum morning. I try to buy coffee out only once a week, on Fridays. I was going to Starbucks until recently. I will come to you every Friday. Please be there. Because holy smokes. I'm sure you were just working to get a tip out of me, but I'm quite convinced you love me. I love you too. And this latte is fanfuckintastic. Much like your beautiful teeth.

Yours every Friday,
Montastic

the week is finito.

white ninja: the classic fairytale

oh my. i absolutely love this. it easily made my whole week better.
please, oh please, check out more white ninja.
my old roomy introduced us a few years back. and we've been in love ever since.

diana, in furry form.

108 years ago...

a list of predictions about the future was published in The Ladies Home Journal.
I find it pretty damn fascinating... to see what actually has happened that was predicted... and some of the silly predictions like this:

Prediction #13: Strawberries as Large as Apples will be eaten by our great-great-grandchildren for their Christmas dinners a hundred years hence. Raspberries and blackberries will be as large. One will suffice for the fruit course of each person. Strawberries and cranberries will be grown upon tall bushes. Cranberries, gooseberries and currants will be as large as oranges. One cantaloupe will supply an entire family.


how ridiculous! i mean, i don't even like cantaloupe.

creative vision

here is a very cool marketing campaign for an independent film festival in Buenos Aires. a little long, but really intriguing.
the concept: give 5 directors the same script and have them execute it to their vision. amazing.

ooh, that's the spot

I feel some sort of need to mention the superbowl. Here is my favorite ad, by far. I love it.


Unfortunately, I didn't get to watch the superbowl because I was waiting for my car stereo get to repaired.
Downsides to this:
I spent 3 and a half hours wandering the mall, and I don't much like malls.
I missed 95% of the superbowl.
I had to watch the commercials online after all was said and done.

Upsides to this:
I got home moments before the winning touchdown, so I saw that.
Now I can dance party all the time in car!.. after almost a year and half of no radio.

Sweet.